Life: Dealing with Demons

I’m about to write personally and candidly, because honestly, a part of me doesn’t enjoy my own words. It is as if the moment that I step out of my journal I see my world becoming a civil union between unintended lies and outstretched hands crying for the truth.

The truth?

The truth is I’m searching for words to defy the norm when all I really want to do is put all this ambiguous rhetoric aside and let this turn into me being direct with you. But these deceptions become overwhelming and they inevitably poor themselves into my otherwise honest words even without my permission. Understand this, a common misconception is that you are either an activist or you are not, you either stand up for justice or you bite your tongue, you are either confident or shy.

Because when I look into the mirror I don’t see one or the other. Do you?

I understand this, I understand my voice, I understand freedom, I even understand truth, but I don’t understand how I can contort some abstract concept into words on a page but I can’t tell my father that I love him, I don’t understand how right now, I can speak my mind—but when a pretty girl sits next to me on the bus, I am speechless. I don’t understand how this feels so right yet speaking up for what is right is so hard without the help of an intent audience.

And isn’t that wrong? Isn’t there some intrinsic hypocrisy in caring so deeply about what to say and how to say it but not understanding when to say it?

So if you can relate, contemplate this scenario. I feel like I’ve created some imaginary line between idealism and college monotony where change isn’t required on the weekends and the picket lines are just another barrier to my desired ends.

Consistency is the key.

So there is a fine line between truth, fear, and hesitation—but my real fear is that even after this clarity, I’ll still hesitate to talk to that pretty girl on the bus, I’ll still swallow hard without letting my feelings show, and I’ll still be silent when the audience goes. But this is life, and this is the truth.

Speak your mind, because if you do…you might just change one.