My English Professor tells me not to write about grandiose topics. Something about being a minimalist? She obviously doesn’t get it. I
can change the world, solve the abortion debate, and feed the world by posting. Plus, winter brings only snow and reflection and I have plenty of the latter.
Love.
My best friend often tells me that I’m a robot. Actually, no, that doesn’t give him enough credit. It usually goes something like:
“Dude, you have no soul! You are incapable of love, want to kill puppies, and wouldn’t care if I died. Am I not correct? It’s true. It is. No...dude...I’m serious. If I died you’d be like ‘man that sucks that he died...oh well...I’m over it’. Then you’d go kick a puppy. You would! You’d shrug your shoulders and say ‘that sucks’. That’s it. No crying. Of course no crying. I mean, why would anyone cry at anything? If they do they are obviously a pussy. Right? That’s what you think! Listen, no...dude...listen. I’m serious. Wait, wait...here is what your life will be like. OK? Ready? You will date some girl and like her, probably just a little. She’ll be smart and people will think she is attractive but you’ll secretly be judging her the whole time. I mean, come on, no one is good enough for you. Right? You’ll marry the poor girl because it is what you are supposed to. Plus you’ll never get elected to anything if you don’t have a wife. And those are the only reasons! ...The only ones. God knows you won’t love her, because obviously you will never love anyone. You’ll get a puppy that you will kick, but only for your kids, which you will hate! No, let me rephrase that...hate! You will hate your children! You’ll contemplate giving them up for adoption. Probably to me. You’ll say, ‘dude, come on, just take them’. Basically your life will have moments of happiness but overall you will be numb. And not because you won’t have a nearly perfect life which I will mooch off of. You know you are buying me a house and giving me a job right? You are! Listen...I’ll kill you if you don’t. Torture actually. Wait...you don’t think I can beat your ass? Dude...I totally could. Alright anyway, in conclusion...you don’t feel anything, will never love anyone, and are basically a robot. Insides? None. Complete...Absolute...Robot.”
If anyone knows my best friend, that is basically a tape recording of him. And the scary thing is that every time he goes on one of these rants all I can do is laugh hysterically. Partly because at some less exaggerated level, I agree. I wish I didn’t, but for some inescapable reason I have a difficult time loving people. Maybe I’ve felt genuine love or maybe I haven’t? Danny doesn’t think I have, do, or ever will. I tend to be a little more optimistic about the whole thing. I might even be on my way now?
In any event, I often feel like Aladdin. But instead of making the girl fall in love with me, I wish I could make myself fall in love (stupid genie restrictions).
One day (dramatic pause) One day.