Life: Banality

I’m usually not open with my emotions, and I guess a post is impersonal, but still, at least it’s public. And public is open. So I’m moving up in the world...

I cried last night for the first time since winter semester, and over the same person. I don’t think she lost any sleep. Which is OK because she has always been comfortable falling asleep in any position anyway: on a bed, the floor, a couch, with a smile, or in sadness. It doesn’t matter as long as she is tired. That is what I tell myself at least.

I initially thought of a few good lessons to take from tonight’s loss. People change and you can’t hold on fighting for who someone was? Plausible at first, but people don’t change, they just become more honest. A relationship is not defined by how it ends but by how it is remembered? But again no, because relationships are defined by people, and I dwell on endings. Maybe, things happen for a reason? Yes. Although, we do make conscious choices and therefore can’t delegate responsibility to fate. Learn from your mistakes? Nothing I’ve done has been a mistake.

She was and still is many things to me. She makes me vulnerable. Weak even. So to fumble around with some invalid and clichéd idiom is disrespectful to the power of relationships. To our relationship.

I am shocked that she is so callous and am hurt that she is so content. And that is that.